A Slurpee Send-off

Just when it looked like Buffalo Brandon and his posse had a firm grip on the situation, the notorious Gang Bang Gang sprang from wreckage of the stage coach. Wielding pistols the gang surveyed BB and his posse, they could clearly see they were outnumbered, but the gang cared not, for they were a fearless group of hardened outlaws. "Looksth like the oddsth justh eventh outh a bit ey' Buthalo, he he he he he", chuckles Ropesmoker in his painfully high pitched, crazy miner, lisp filled voice. BB was a man of few words and his response was swift and painful to Ropesmoker. Removing one of his Ivory handled Colts with lightning fast precision BB twists it in his hand grabbing the barrel and clubs Ropesmoker in his unusually large forehead with the butt of the gun. Ropesmoker buckles to the ground unconscious and twitching with blood running from his ears. "Noooooo", yells Mudslide as he falls to his knees and starts stroking the forehead of Ropesmokers lifeless body. "Let that be a lesson to the rest of you shitbags, this is what happens when you park in a senior citizen only zone at Wal-Mart". "Now get on your way, and don't let me see you kids loitering around the front of the 7-eleven later either", BB says.
BB remained on guard with both pistols drawn while the tension cleared. Mudslide had a good cry while two of the gang bang gang carefully laid Ropesmokers body over one of the coaches team of nags as the others unhitched the rest. Mudslide gathered himself, and rose to his feet looking into BB's eyes and in his stone cold raspy voice says, "You won't get away with this, this won't be the last you see of me and my boys, you can believe that. We'll be coming for you as soon as we give Steven a proper burial and root beer flavored slurpee send off". He yells Back at BB as they mount up, "And don't you think for a minute We'll ever forget you used to ride with us." Then turns and rides at a full gallop into the distance.

Johnny had watched intently as all of this unfolded in the distance as he was safely perched in the tree top eating popcorn, smoking cigs and drinking Schlitz. Thinking it would be neighborly to introduce himself to the man, the myth, the legend Buffalo Brandon, he snuffs out his smoke, shotguns his last beer, shimmies down the tree and makes his way towards the group. Johnny cautiously made his way from the stand of trees towards where he had last seen the group, as he came upon the clearing he noticed they were no longer there. Johnny could sense something wasn't right, the wind had shifted slightly to the west and he caught a the faint odor of barbasol shaving cream, cocoa butter, fish and chips and oatmeal. His earlier aerial survey, had shown him that the only place the ganja could surface was on the west side of the island. Realizing Buffalo Brandon and his posse must certainly be on the move to meet the Ganja crew Johnny tightens the laces on his roos and strikes out at a full sprint for the other side of the island. EP

THE GANG BANG GANG

Wholly Balls

Amazed, Johnny perched himself on a treetop and gazed at the unfolding scene through his monocular. "Wholly Balls" said LJ to himself as he chased the pink chalky medicine down with a shot of Petrone from his bota-bag. Johnny found a nice shady branch to sit on, rolled a smoke, cracked open a schlitz, and watched.

"Get back here you murdering bastard! Yaw Tony!" yelled Brandon in a masculine tone with an obvious homo twinge. A full 50 yards out front, atop a stagecoach driven by sorrel colored nags, rode Buffalo Brandon's quarry and notorious train robbers Mudslide Mark and his toothless sidekick Steven Ropesmoker. LJ chuckled as he watched Ropesmoker take pot-shots at Brandon's posse with a winchester. "Giddiyup Tony!" LJ heard as Buffalo Brandon jumped out of his stirrups and stood straight up in the saddle with his arms outreached like an airplane. Then holding the reins in his teeth Brandon took careful aim with his Henry rifle and fired once. The lead nag folded causing the other horses to founder sending the coach tumbling in a violent crash. When the dust settled, the bad men stood 10 feet apart, hands hovering over iron, ready to make a stand. Tony bowed his head, dropped to one knee, and Brandon slid forward, down the back of his neck onto the beach (his trademark dismount) and approached the men. Brandon's stirling silver spurs jingled softly as his bright red boots adorned with the ace of spades widened well past shoulder width into his preferred fighting stance. Brandon clenched his fists inside custom deerskin tasseled gloves and cracked his neck. "Where in the hell did ya get that shirt" sneered Polesmoker. "How a person dresses is no-one's business but his or her own" replied Brandon "Throw down your guns, nice and easy like or I'll kill you where you stand".

Meanwhile: Aboard the Ozone Lair, Bill and Oprah went over details of her horrible master-plan and discussed the preparedness of her T-2000 Terminator Robots. Afterwards they masterbated and ate each others asses, then snorted a tube of airplane glue off the shiny spaceship floor. JC

Enter Buffalo Brandon

Tiny bits of feathers began to tear away from LJ's wings as he approached the sound barrier during his descent towards the Ganja. Johnny began to lose track of the reflection from Magnums oily chest as he and the Ganja slipped beneath the waters surface. As Johnny approached 1,000 feet of the deck he noticed a sparkle, something metallic casting a new reflection. Johnny bent his knees, spread his arms, arched his body and came to a sudden stop in mid air and began to hover. Johnny reached into a satchel crafted from a camel intestine and retrieved a medieval monocular and gazed down at the reflective object. As Johnny peered at the object he could not believe his eyes! He had listened to old warriors speak of the legend and was amazed at what was riding his way. Johnny could make out a flag that was held in the right hand of a horse-mounted rider as it flapped in the wind like an angry cannon ball. The words were hard to read at this altitude, but there was no mistaking the way the man carried himself in his saddle! Johnny felt a lump in his thought as he pondered the reasoning of such a legend riding his way across this tropical island. Johnny was starring directly in the steely eyes of Buffalo Brandon on his thunder-hoofed mustang Tony. Buffalo Brandon had on a beautiful pair hairy white chaps fashioned from an albino buffalo. Two ivory handled, nickel plaited navy colt six shooters were resting in a handcrafted rig adorned with mexican conchos. Tied into its scabbard with a piece of rawhide Johnny made out the walnut stock of a lever action Henry rifle with several notches carefully carved away. The huge ten-gallon hat was the sure giveaway at this point. Even though the brim was turned up from the wind, Johnny could see the hatband fashioned from peacock feathers with a turquoise pendant in the center with hand-etched words that matched the words on the flag that were now very clear… “Buffalo Brandon” was skillfully stitched in large black letters on a field of baby blue of the now bigger then life flag to match Buffalo Brandon’s perfectly pressed shirt. Johnny could tell Tony was in lather and was being ridden hard! In a perfect “V” formation behind Buffalo Brandon and Tony rode nine additional horsemen with a less flashy, but matching ensemble. Johnny watched the men get closer as he reached into his med kit for some tums and a couple of pink heart shaped Pepto Bismal pills in a foil punch-out container and pondered his next move. DT

Purified Space Drugs

At 20,000 feet above the ocean's surface Johnny circled the perimeter of the island looking for signs of trouble. Looking towards the distant horizon his eye caught motion on the waters surface. Using the glare coming from Magnums oiled up chest and the position of the setting sun he was able to triangulate the fast moving subs position at about 30 kilometers away. Johnny had a feeling in his gut the vessel was a friendly, He always went with his gut feelings in cases like this. But in this situation he was a bit more hesitant, having just ate Ivanas cooking, drank 3/4's of a bottle of snake oil, and a handful of M&M's, he felt like he may just need to take a healthy crap. Piss on he thought as he squeezed out a wet fart, threw his arms to his side put his head down and screamed towards the Ganja.

Aboard the Ganja T.C. had drifted off and was dreaming of getting down on a tasty plate of fried chicken and waffles when the airspace intrusion alarm sounds. "God Damn it T.C, you were dreaming about the colonels chicken again weren't you", yells Higgins as he removes his glove and slaps him across the face. "We've got a fast mover incoming, take evasive action.... dive, dive, dive", he shouts at the crew. T.C. remembering Magnum was in tow behind, shouts "what about Magnum"? To which Higgins responds, in his monotone Limy accent, "Nobody cares about that womanizing mustachioed loafer but Magnum". Then follows that statement with "Stay in the dive you bloody wankers". Magnum realizing he was in serious trouble pulls a nose clip from his handmade penguin skin Speedo slips it on his nose, grabs the handle on the tow rope tightly & sinks beneath the waters surface.

Comfortably aboard the O-zone, Oprah meanwhile was observing the action through the periscope while roasting some purified space crack out of a handmade pipe fashioned from Sammy Davis Junior's glass eye. Blowing the smoke out slowly into the face of her right hand man she tells him. "Mr. President go check on your cohort in the lab and tell him I need to see him on the bridge A sap". G-dub, jumps from the beanbag where he was sitting, grabs his pants from the floor, and runs towards the teleporter. As Bill takes a big rip of purified space weed out of a homemade bong fashioned from Sandy Duncan's Glass eye, G-Dub appears in the corner and says "the big O needs to see you Billy boy". Blowing the smoke slowly into G-Dubs face, he says in his slow southern drawl, "What does that chitlen lovin bucket of skin want now, doesn't she know I'm workin as fast as I can"? "Tell her I'll be there as soon as I've worked the bugs from these robots" as he points to the engineers working on the humanoids in the corner (see picture). EP

Oprahs Secret

Locked in geosynchronous orbit 100 miles above the planet, Oprah Winfrey sat upon a throne of white women inside her secret space lair.

The technological wonder had been the result of a collaboration between several of the worlds most wealthy and power mad figureheads in history. Soon after completion of the secret space craft, all executive parties involved in its finances had mysteriously died in tragic accidents, leaving Oprah as its sole proprietor. She cleverly named the immense space station 'The O-Zone Lair'. The O-Zone was outfitted with the latest weaponry and surveillance technology, crafted by Nazi scientists, which Oprah had enslaved.

"Momma want mo syrup on huh hotcake!" bellowed Oprah. "Yessum" squeaked a 20 something white girl in a maid outfit as she hastily poured an unhealthy amount of Aunt Jammima's syrup onto the pancakes. As the girl finished pouring, a small ribbon of syrup dropped from the dispenser onto Oprah's lap. "God Daaaamn!" Oprah bellowed as she hurled the plate full of pancakes at the retreating girl, hitting her in the face. "I'm so sorry mam, cried the girl, I'll clean it up straight away". Before the girl could regain her footing, Oprah rose from her throne and stabbed her in the mouth with her scepter, its sharp point protruding from the back of her head. "O-Scope!" said Oprah as she walked to the center of the room. A periscope-like device rose from the floor at her feet. Oprah settled into a comfortable stance and rested her shiny forehead on the O-Scopes optic pad as she surveyed the Earth below.

Making 40 kts, the Gonja cruised on the surface toward Gilligan's Island, toward Hawks distress call three days earlier. Higgins had the con, his regal doberman's at his side. T.C. monitored sonar while Magnum got in some wake-boarding. Magnums awesome mustache curled into a smile as he carved and shredded behind the Gonja, his hairy legs glistened in the tropical sun betraying his incredible muscle-tone. JC

Magic Juice

Johnny rummaged through his stacked crates in the cave and found his secret crate marked "SECRET." Johnny reached deep into his Old Navy cargo shorts and retrieved a pair of toe nail clippers to aid in prying open the crate. Johnny made short work of the lid and reached inside for his secret weapon... "Dock Johnson's Magic Elixir." Johnny gave a glance at the instructions before removing the lid:

Instructions: Take 1 tsp in the morning before breakfast and 1tsp at night before bed. Caution: Could cause serious intestinal greasiness and some rectal nastiness. Not to be administered to children under the age of 18. Has been known to make some men bark at the moon and urinate in the faces of small puppies. Under all circumstance keep away from the eyes.

Johnny tipped his head back and threw down most off the bottle and chased it down with a handful of Peanut M&M's. Johnny could instantly feel the elixir do its magic. The muscle damage and internal bleeding from the killer stiletto healed instantly. Johnny could feel every muscle in his body fill with the magic juice, he was rejuvenated! His life now had new meaning and it prompted him to switch on his ipod touch and play the perfect song for the moment:
http://recordedlight.com/music/John_Denver/Ultimate%20Collection%20Disc%203/06%20I%20Want%20to%20Live.mp3

Johnny lit a smoke, opened the Trapper Keeper and placed two cold pieces of pepperoni pizza in the opposite cover as "Operation
Shenanigans," and strapped on his brightly colored wings. After making a final check it was clear everything was safe to resume flight. Johnny made his way to the cave entrance. Johnny licked his index finger, held it up to check the wind and jumped into the great blue yonder. DT

Shattered Glass

Removing a garter belt fashioned from fore skins and scrotums of previous kills Ivana prepares to strangle the life from our hero. Mumbling something in Russian she pirouettes over to Johnny slipping the stinking device around his throat. Although he couldn't make out a word she was saying, it sounded like she was giving him his last rights. He couldn't see clearly, his sight blurred by the excruciating pain coming from his back. Limbs numb, and (thankfully) his sense of smell and taste drowned out by the taste of blood filling his chest and mouth. His senses were useless, he would have to use sheer will power to overcome this hellish predicament.....just where the man preferred to be. His grin grew wider exposing his smoke and coffee stained teeth. The pain was now all but gone, rubbed out by the anger of betrayal he felt. In his ears, the sound of a thousand, no, ten thousand panes of glass shattered as he rose to his feet. Tearing the fumunda smelling choker from his throat he clutches Ivana by both wrists pinning her to the cave wall. Ivana began to grasp for words, trying to talk her way out of what was now surely a painful death. She couldn't speak, just gurgling sounds came from her throat. All expression left Ivana's face as he looked straight into the treasonous female’s soul. As something inside him, deep inside him begins to surface he says, "Why so serious", in a voice only the devils mother could love. He couldn't contain it any longer, the rage made its escape from his lungs in thunderous form. The booming sound exited his lungs with such force it expelled the Prada from between his shoulder blades, shattered Ivana's ear drums instantly, the fluid in her eyeballs began to boil and the sound caused the 36 double D implants in her chest to explode violently. Knowing the sack of bones was no longer a threat he releases Ivana. Bleeding profusely from every hole in her head, her chest cavity gaping open and shaking spastically she slumps to the floor. Not wanting to waste anymore time he sticks his pinky and fore finger deep into her eye sockets. She knew what he wanted, "Over there, she says in a pain filled cracking voice, in the crevice, the hot pink Tapper Keeper, the instructions are in it." Johnny pulls the Tapper Keeper from the crevice, he tears open the Velcro security flap revealing the intelligence for "Operation Shenanigan", he now had what he was here for. Using the mirror attached to the inside of the folder he expertly stitched up the wound in his back. Once he was done, he fastened the security flap back in place and slid the Trapper Keeper into his rucksack.
Johnny now would only have to secure the cave and his equipment before moving forward with the mission. Oh and there was the nasty business of dispatching his former fiancée. He made his way over to Ivana to finish her off, he had a slight feeling of regret for what he was about to do. He would never be able to explain why he had allowed himself to care for this woman, it was something he had never done before. Then again, in moments there would never be a need for an explanation. As he came up on where he had left her battered body he saw only a bloody trail leading from the cave. She must have pulled herself blindly across the floor and out to the face of the cliff.
Johnny grabbed a K-bar from the nearest crate and hurried towards the opening. Looking out of the cave, he saw nothing, as if Ivana had simply vanished into thin air. No trace could be seen, the trail of blood ended at the cliff face. Where the hell could she have gone he thought. He had no time for this though, there would be another time and place for his revenge.

He now could only worry about the operation that lay before him and the Shenanigans it would hold. EP