Oprahs Secret

Locked in geosynchronous orbit 100 miles above the planet, Oprah Winfrey sat upon a throne of white women inside her secret space lair.

The technological wonder had been the result of a collaboration between several of the worlds most wealthy and power mad figureheads in history. Soon after completion of the secret space craft, all executive parties involved in its finances had mysteriously died in tragic accidents, leaving Oprah as its sole proprietor. She cleverly named the immense space station 'The O-Zone Lair'. The O-Zone was outfitted with the latest weaponry and surveillance technology, crafted by Nazi scientists, which Oprah had enslaved.

"Momma want mo syrup on huh hotcake!" bellowed Oprah. "Yessum" squeaked a 20 something white girl in a maid outfit as she hastily poured an unhealthy amount of Aunt Jammima's syrup onto the pancakes. As the girl finished pouring, a small ribbon of syrup dropped from the dispenser onto Oprah's lap. "God Daaaamn!" Oprah bellowed as she hurled the plate full of pancakes at the retreating girl, hitting her in the face. "I'm so sorry mam, cried the girl, I'll clean it up straight away". Before the girl could regain her footing, Oprah rose from her throne and stabbed her in the mouth with her scepter, its sharp point protruding from the back of her head. "O-Scope!" said Oprah as she walked to the center of the room. A periscope-like device rose from the floor at her feet. Oprah settled into a comfortable stance and rested her shiny forehead on the O-Scopes optic pad as she surveyed the Earth below.

Making 40 kts, the Gonja cruised on the surface toward Gilligan's Island, toward Hawks distress call three days earlier. Higgins had the con, his regal doberman's at his side. T.C. monitored sonar while Magnum got in some wake-boarding. Magnums awesome mustache curled into a smile as he carved and shredded behind the Gonja, his hairy legs glistened in the tropical sun betraying his incredible muscle-tone. JC

Magic Juice

Johnny rummaged through his stacked crates in the cave and found his secret crate marked "SECRET." Johnny reached deep into his Old Navy cargo shorts and retrieved a pair of toe nail clippers to aid in prying open the crate. Johnny made short work of the lid and reached inside for his secret weapon... "Dock Johnson's Magic Elixir." Johnny gave a glance at the instructions before removing the lid:

Instructions: Take 1 tsp in the morning before breakfast and 1tsp at night before bed. Caution: Could cause serious intestinal greasiness and some rectal nastiness. Not to be administered to children under the age of 18. Has been known to make some men bark at the moon and urinate in the faces of small puppies. Under all circumstance keep away from the eyes.

Johnny tipped his head back and threw down most off the bottle and chased it down with a handful of Peanut M&M's. Johnny could instantly feel the elixir do its magic. The muscle damage and internal bleeding from the killer stiletto healed instantly. Johnny could feel every muscle in his body fill with the magic juice, he was rejuvenated! His life now had new meaning and it prompted him to switch on his ipod touch and play the perfect song for the moment:
http://recordedlight.com/music/John_Denver/Ultimate%20Collection%20Disc%203/06%20I%20Want%20to%20Live.mp3

Johnny lit a smoke, opened the Trapper Keeper and placed two cold pieces of pepperoni pizza in the opposite cover as "Operation
Shenanigans," and strapped on his brightly colored wings. After making a final check it was clear everything was safe to resume flight. Johnny made his way to the cave entrance. Johnny licked his index finger, held it up to check the wind and jumped into the great blue yonder. DT

Shattered Glass

Removing a garter belt fashioned from fore skins and scrotums of previous kills Ivana prepares to strangle the life from our hero. Mumbling something in Russian she pirouettes over to Johnny slipping the stinking device around his throat. Although he couldn't make out a word she was saying, it sounded like she was giving him his last rights. He couldn't see clearly, his sight blurred by the excruciating pain coming from his back. Limbs numb, and (thankfully) his sense of smell and taste drowned out by the taste of blood filling his chest and mouth. His senses were useless, he would have to use sheer will power to overcome this hellish predicament.....just where the man preferred to be. His grin grew wider exposing his smoke and coffee stained teeth. The pain was now all but gone, rubbed out by the anger of betrayal he felt. In his ears, the sound of a thousand, no, ten thousand panes of glass shattered as he rose to his feet. Tearing the fumunda smelling choker from his throat he clutches Ivana by both wrists pinning her to the cave wall. Ivana began to grasp for words, trying to talk her way out of what was now surely a painful death. She couldn't speak, just gurgling sounds came from her throat. All expression left Ivana's face as he looked straight into the treasonous female’s soul. As something inside him, deep inside him begins to surface he says, "Why so serious", in a voice only the devils mother could love. He couldn't contain it any longer, the rage made its escape from his lungs in thunderous form. The booming sound exited his lungs with such force it expelled the Prada from between his shoulder blades, shattered Ivana's ear drums instantly, the fluid in her eyeballs began to boil and the sound caused the 36 double D implants in her chest to explode violently. Knowing the sack of bones was no longer a threat he releases Ivana. Bleeding profusely from every hole in her head, her chest cavity gaping open and shaking spastically she slumps to the floor. Not wanting to waste anymore time he sticks his pinky and fore finger deep into her eye sockets. She knew what he wanted, "Over there, she says in a pain filled cracking voice, in the crevice, the hot pink Tapper Keeper, the instructions are in it." Johnny pulls the Tapper Keeper from the crevice, he tears open the Velcro security flap revealing the intelligence for "Operation Shenanigan", he now had what he was here for. Using the mirror attached to the inside of the folder he expertly stitched up the wound in his back. Once he was done, he fastened the security flap back in place and slid the Trapper Keeper into his rucksack.
Johnny now would only have to secure the cave and his equipment before moving forward with the mission. Oh and there was the nasty business of dispatching his former fiancée. He made his way over to Ivana to finish her off, he had a slight feeling of regret for what he was about to do. He would never be able to explain why he had allowed himself to care for this woman, it was something he had never done before. Then again, in moments there would never be a need for an explanation. As he came up on where he had left her battered body he saw only a bloody trail leading from the cave. She must have pulled herself blindly across the floor and out to the face of the cliff.
Johnny grabbed a K-bar from the nearest crate and hurried towards the opening. Looking out of the cave, he saw nothing, as if Ivana had simply vanished into thin air. No trace could be seen, the trail of blood ended at the cliff face. Where the hell could she have gone he thought. He had no time for this though, there would be another time and place for his revenge.

He now could only worry about the operation that lay before him and the Shenanigans it would hold. EP

The Devil Wears Prada

As the interlude in the middle of Rocket-Man climaxed, LJ realized that he was deeply in love with Ivanna Sukyoff. Mesmerized by her charms, LJ wanted nothing more than a life of love and happiness with this woman. Twirling and pirouetting as one, they mouthed the final words to Rocket-Man while gazing into one another's eyes. As the final bars faded from Johnny's Hi-Fi into the amazing acoustics of the cave, Johnny dropped to one knee and proposed marriage.... Ivanna agreed. Gleefully, Johnny shouted "Yippeee!" and skipped over to the wet bar. "Let's celebrate, said Johnny, I've saved this bottle of scotch for 30 years, it's a family heirloom of sorts and one of the most important things in my life. Now I know I've been saving it for this moment."

He couldn't see the truth. Never saw it coming. Little Johnny was fluent in 17 variants of kung-fu, a trained killer, expert in underwater demolition, counter espionage, man-tracking, and force reconnoissance. He performed calculations of ballistics and quantum probability in his head, assembled implemented explosive devices on the fly...... But he was only a man. LJ was impossibly trapped in the mind-boggling, treacherous spell of Ivanna Sukyoff. With tears in his eyes and happier than he'd ever been in his life, LJ turned and reached into the cupboard for two glasses and his prized scotch, to celebrate his new life with this wonderful woman.

"Have a drink with me my love" said Johnny. With LJ's back turned toward her, Ivanna Sukyoff's expression turned sinister. Her beautiful face furrowed into an impetuous sneer. "Coming my darling" she said. Ivanna hiked up her evening gown, exposing her exquisite, olive colored thighs, and removed one of her 5 inch stiletto heels. She depressed a hidden lever on the $1,000.00 Pradas to expose a double edged dagger, attached to the sole. Before LJ could turn to face her, Ivanna hucked the shoe with calculated force. Whistling as it flew, and with slight english from right to left, the deadly high-heel met it's mark. The scotch glasses fell and broke on the cave floor as LJ released his grip, intense pain roared up the back of his neck as the shoe-dagger lodged between his spine and shoulder blade. Fighting to remain conscious, LJ dropped to his knees, his back remained toward Ivanna. "Silly little man" spewed Ivanna, "You are nothing, you are as weak as all the rest. You could never complete a mission of this importance. Enough waisting my time with such a douche, you could never support my spending habits anyway. I will complete this mission myself!"

Pain searing and completely immobile, LJ was crushed physically and emotionally as the words left Ivanna's lips. On his knees with his head in his hands something inside him began to happen. Anguish turned to anger. A twinge at first, then a wave, and another. Johnny focused his mind and traded the pain for determination. In the darkness of the cave, on his knees, behind him a deadly woman about to finish him forever, and a high-heel sticking out of his back, a smirk appeared, then a sinister grin creased Johnny's lips.

------What happened next is classified, any knowledge of the following accounts will be disavowed by any party's or governments. Read on at your own risk------- JC

A Hungry Man

Something came over Johnny as he forked the wonderful dinner into his mouth. Johnny began to have thoughts of settling down and having a family. The idea of watching ball games and being served food and beer began to take on a whole new meaning. Johnny looked into Ivana's eyes and could see a softer side to a troubled, but beautiful woman. Ivana talked about her life back home and the people she had met in her life and Johnny felt a small tear begin to form in his eye. The Swanson Hungry Man dinner began to taste better then ever before. Johnny watched Ivana's moth move and was intrigued by her grace and beauty. Johnny turned back to the TV and was surprised to find he was not interested in the game. "Lets go sit in the other room my sweet, so we are not distracted by the game." Ivane sprang to her feet like a 14 year old school girl that was in love, Johnny did the same. The couple held hands as they made their way across the room and found a comfortable seat for two on a crate full of hand grenades. Johnny lit some scented candles and rubbed Ivana's feet as she finished her apple cobbler. "The desert is my favorite part," Johnny blurted as he locked eyes with the beautiful Russian. Ivana folder her napkin and blotted a little salisbury steak juice from the corner of Johnny's mouth. Johnny reached over and slowly opened a box marked 45's. Johnny reached in and pulled out an old style record player and put on his favorite 45.... "Rocket Man" by Elton John. Johnny held out his hand to Ivana and asked her for a dance. The two embraced and slowly moved around the cave like love doves with their hearts full of song. DT

The Game's on

The air was thick with tension, on the wind Johnny detected the musky odor of a menstruating yak as Ivana slowly rose from her haunches. Looking into Johnnies eye's Ivana could tell he wasn't someone she could easily manipulate. Johnny on the other hand, realized Ivana could easily be coaxed into doing his bidding using certain techniques. He quickly raised his open hand across his body as if he was going to backhand the tramp in front of him. As he stopped his hand millimeters from Ivanas face, he slowly ran his hand across her swollen bruised cheek caused by his pistol whipping. Ivana shivered from her toes to her head, as a tear slowly began to well up in her eye. "What are you going to do with me" she said as her voice cracked with fear and anticipation. Wiping away a tear as it flowed off her cheek he tells Ivana "there's nothing to worry about beautiful, get busy cleaning up the mess you've made, tidy up the rest of the cave and make me some supper". He knows this woman, even though he just met her, he recognizes there's work to do if he's going to extract intel from her twisted feeble mind.

Having been briefed on LJ prior to her mission, Ivana knew LJ wasn't fooling around and she should do as he says if she was going to survive.
She dons an apron, grabs a can of pledge and a swifter and proceeds to straighten things up around the cave. Working quickly, she finishes removing items from the crates arranging them neatly throughout the cave. Johnny, keeping his eye on her, sits in his favorite chair watching the football game, pecker in one hand, beer in the other. Humming an old Russian folk tune & dancing the Troika, Ivana gets busy on some grub. Using the Coleman propane stove and a few of the MRE's she found in one of the crates, Ivana whips up her famous shepherd's pie for Johnny. She rarely gets to be the homemaker she's always dreamed of. Thoughts of settling down for good start racing through her mind. No more late nights at the clubs. No more meaningless sex with random guy's and girls. No more blowjobs, strap-on's and anal sex. Her mind wanders...thoughts of children....maybe I'll finally have some children she thinks.

"Come & get it", Ivana happily says to Johnny while spooning the delicious looking creation onto a plate. "Bring me another beer, the games gone into overtime" Johnny replies back. Ivana, frustrated, retrieves a beer and delivers it to him with a scowl. LJ seeing he's now under her skin realizes he just needs to tighten the screws a little more and she'll crack. "Why don't you go grab dinner bring it over here, and watch the rest of the game with me" Johnny says as he gives her a little spank on the ass.

Knowing he has to appease her in order to retrieve the information as to his whereabouts and objective, Johnny strikes up a conversation during the coin toss. "So, what you doing in these parts? "It would seem a sophisticated girl like you would be more comfortable in the big city". Ivana hands him the plate of food, "You'd be surprised at what a girl like me is comfortable with". Trying to seem interested in what she's saying, Johnny pukes a little in his mouth. Small talk with a woman was never his strong suit. As she babbles on about her likes and dislikes, needs and wants, Johnny has to steel his nerves all he can think about is cutting the tongue out of her head.

How am I going to get through this he thinks,...thank god the games back on.... EP

Welcome Home Poon Wrecker

Johnny whipped out an etch-a-sketch and recorded the lay of the land from above before heading back to the small cave near his starting point. As LJ dove and tore through the thick canopy, banked hard, then climbed again, he decided that flying really wasn't that hard and wondered what the big deal was. He rolled upside down and executed a split S, then broke into a steep chandelle to test the rigidity of the feathers and decided that the wings were pretty cool, but could use some improvement. I'll modify these bitches later, he thought. With expert memory and a keen inner compass Johnny sailed for the cave and thought: I wonder if there's a CB at the LZ, too bad about SD, I feel bad for LT, I could use some Z's.

Johnny folded his wings back and neared sonic velocity in a vertical dive. As LJ broke through some cloud cover over the LZ, he spotted someone rifling through his shit. 50 feet from the deck, LJ flared his wings causing breakneck deceleration before gently touching down. The ballistic crates were opened and all his shit was scattered. "What the fuck man!? said Johnny, You think that just because you're a woman you can touch my stuff? Those are my personal belongings bitch! If you touched my slippers I'll fucking execute your ass right here!" Startled, Ivanna Sukyoff whirled around and pointed a Desert Eagle at LJ's forehead and said in broken English "If you don't know the secret password, you're a dead man". LJ snatched the large automatic out of her hand and pistol-whipped her in the face with it, knocking her down. Johnny stood over her and whipped out his cock so that Ivanna could clearly see the tattoo that ran under the length of his shaft which read: POON-WRECKER. JC

Eat Your Meat

Johnny reflected back to his mum telling him to always eat his meat.
She would always say "Johnny how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?" These words haunted him and filled his head as threw a match on his parents gas soaked bodies. Smells like meat is cooking now Johnny pondered as he ate his pudding and watched their skin bubble and pop. Years later Johnny heard the same words from the mouth of a foster parent. Johnny sliced off a piece of his own arm and said "now am I good boy?" as he chomped down on his own flesh. Today however Johnny felt grateful he ate his meat because the giant feathers on his arms were challenging every ounce of strength as he flapped away trying to gain altitude. Johnny flew around the island and tried to make sense of the nest, Hawk and all of that bird shit. Why Tina and Jina? Why? Why? Why? Then it hit him.... Johnny spent several years on a state run turkey farm as a teenager and learned quickly of the explosive power of turkey shit if used properly. Johnny pictured the destruction of the Oklahoma City bombing and pondered the explosive power of a truck full of fertilizer. Johnny started to do rough calculations on the tonnage of bird shit in the nest and quickly realized the magnitude of the situation. Damn he thought, is it that simple? Are they going to make a bomb or is it even more sinister he pondered as he hovered over a large tree looking for a place to land. DT

Johnny the Gymnast

Johnny expertly performs 3 back handsprings across the balance beam then dismounts with a triple back flip and full twist. This causes his cousins to stand and hold up scores of 7.5 showing their displeasure with LJ's gymnastic ability. Landing balls deep in bird shit LJ was stuck to the nest floor, but this was the least of his problems. Johnny was weaponless and at this point had a gaggle of bird men making their way towards him. Marching in the classic V formation the birdmen came quickly at him. Johnny scans the nest for some sort of weapon, he notices the scores the girls have posted, 7.5? 7.5? That was a perfect 10 if I ever saw one, Johnny thought to himself. This would be all of the motivation he needed...7.5 my ass he thought as he summons all of the strength he could muster and sprang from the sticky thigh high goo. Grasping the roof of the cave, Johnny reached down grabbing the first birdman and with a quick twist removed its head. The headless creature ran crazily about, causing the remainder of the assailants to break formation and scatter throughout the nest. Hawk seeing what was happening and knowing the carnage Johnny could inflict stopped feeding the youngins' and ran towards Johnny waving his hands frantically in the air pleading with Johnny to stand down. Johnny was now systematically removing the heads of the remaining birdmen, as Hawk approached, Johnny smashed him across the face with a severed head. Knocking Hawk unconscious, he fell motionless face first into the rancid glop on the floor. Watching intently the twins in the corner cackled loudly, high fived each other then continued knitting. LJ cautiously kept his eye on the girls as he removed the wings from the back of a dead birdman and tied them to his arms. He knew it was pointless to try and extract any info from the twins, they would never help considering the past.

Johnny needed help if he was going to figure out where he was, why Hawk and his cousins were working together and how this all fit into his mission. As he leapt from the mouth of the cave he flung his arms to his side, caught a warm updraft and disappeared into the most jungle air.

Hawk awakes to the sound of Tina and Jina arguing back and forth with each other about whether or not they were too generous in their scoring of Johnnies dismount. As he scrambles to his feet, and looks around the nest at the carnage that lay before him Hawk yells to them, "Where the hell is he"? The girls simultaneously point to the caves opening and say "you better make the call we didn't dare". "Well make yourself useful and clean up this mess", He says as he makes his way to the payphone on the wall. Hawk picks up the receiver and tells the operator "collect call to the Ganja now"!!!!

Aboard the Ganja, Captain Higgins feeding his pot bellied pig Queen Tasty Cakes, is startled to hear the sound of his newly installed Krusty the Clown Emergency Phone Line, HEY HEY, HEY HEY, HEY HEY. He picks up the receiver, and presses the Easy button to notify Magnum & TC of the incoming call. EP

The Ganja gang

Complete helplessness was something new to LJ, the feeling was too hard to swallow. He just couldn't force it down, not without a 30 year old bottle of scotch anyway. And guess what brother, there isn't a decent liquor store within 3,000 miles.... With hands bound together at the wrists behind his back, LJ steeled himself, then calmly began to twist off his left middle finger. Ignoring all pain, LJ got through 3 complete turns, then heard a faint pop as the skin gave way and his finger came off at the large knuckle. Quickly, Little Johnny peeled off the finger skin as if it were a sausage and discarded it. Using his own finger-bone, LJ began to pick at the knots holding his wrists. After probing around for 30 seconds, LJ finally caught a loop, then another, and another, until he recognized the knot as a Scandinavian Misery Noose and began to attack it expertly. Moments later, Johnny sprang to his feet, atop the beam like Mary Lou Retton. Quickly, LJ jabbed out his own swollen eyelids with the finger bone, draining the bloody fluid blocking his vision, then hucked his finger bone at the oncoming assailant like a throwing knife, burying it to the first knuckle in the bird man's forehead. As he surveyed the situation, LJ realized that he was in a 100 x 100' bird nest and covered in bird shit. LJ puked in his mouth a little bit when he saw his friend Hawk who was busy regurgitating rotten meat into 6 smaller bird mens mouths. LJ's cousins Jina and Tina were each sitting on a cantaloupe sized egg, bare assed, knitting little bird man sweaters as they noticed him. LJ secured his finger bone in the cargo pocket of his Old Navy T's and screamed "Let's get it on!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Atlantic:

The USS Gonja creaked & groaned, betraying her age as she cruised at near hull crushing depth, at a speed of 60 knots. The captain relaxed in his quarters after an 11 hour shift, leaving the con in the capable hands of his first officer. After finishing his tea, he relaxed in his bunk, played with his ballsack, and listened to the drone of nuclear powered turbines working at 62%. Satisfied that all was well, his mind naturally itemized and categorized his mission orders: Patrol the depths of the Larrentian Abyssal and run battle drills, very routine. Such missions were tedious and downright boring for such an accomplished and battle hardened crew, he thought. Captain Higgins drifted off to sleep.

In the con, First Officer Magnum P.I. sat in the commanders chair in a Hawaiian shirt and stared vacantly at the various lights, monitors, dials, and controls of the submarine. As boredom set in he began to reminisce. Christ I miss the cold war, not since Little Johnny's raid on Brown-Eye Island, three years earlier, has the Gonja had any action, he thought to himself, I can only take so much of this crap. "I should retire T.C., maybe start an investigation agency or something" said Magnum to the communications officer as he passed him a big, sticky Thai-stick that smoldered at the end. "Oh right, chuckled T.C. between tokes, maybe you could get a Ferrari too". JC