Eat Your Meat

Johnny reflected back to his mum telling him to always eat his meat.
She would always say "Johnny how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?" These words haunted him and filled his head as threw a match on his parents gas soaked bodies. Smells like meat is cooking now Johnny pondered as he ate his pudding and watched their skin bubble and pop. Years later Johnny heard the same words from the mouth of a foster parent. Johnny sliced off a piece of his own arm and said "now am I good boy?" as he chomped down on his own flesh. Today however Johnny felt grateful he ate his meat because the giant feathers on his arms were challenging every ounce of strength as he flapped away trying to gain altitude. Johnny flew around the island and tried to make sense of the nest, Hawk and all of that bird shit. Why Tina and Jina? Why? Why? Why? Then it hit him.... Johnny spent several years on a state run turkey farm as a teenager and learned quickly of the explosive power of turkey shit if used properly. Johnny pictured the destruction of the Oklahoma City bombing and pondered the explosive power of a truck full of fertilizer. Johnny started to do rough calculations on the tonnage of bird shit in the nest and quickly realized the magnitude of the situation. Damn he thought, is it that simple? Are they going to make a bomb or is it even more sinister he pondered as he hovered over a large tree looking for a place to land. DT

Johnny the Gymnast

Johnny expertly performs 3 back handsprings across the balance beam then dismounts with a triple back flip and full twist. This causes his cousins to stand and hold up scores of 7.5 showing their displeasure with LJ's gymnastic ability. Landing balls deep in bird shit LJ was stuck to the nest floor, but this was the least of his problems. Johnny was weaponless and at this point had a gaggle of bird men making their way towards him. Marching in the classic V formation the birdmen came quickly at him. Johnny scans the nest for some sort of weapon, he notices the scores the girls have posted, 7.5? 7.5? That was a perfect 10 if I ever saw one, Johnny thought to himself. This would be all of the motivation he needed...7.5 my ass he thought as he summons all of the strength he could muster and sprang from the sticky thigh high goo. Grasping the roof of the cave, Johnny reached down grabbing the first birdman and with a quick twist removed its head. The headless creature ran crazily about, causing the remainder of the assailants to break formation and scatter throughout the nest. Hawk seeing what was happening and knowing the carnage Johnny could inflict stopped feeding the youngins' and ran towards Johnny waving his hands frantically in the air pleading with Johnny to stand down. Johnny was now systematically removing the heads of the remaining birdmen, as Hawk approached, Johnny smashed him across the face with a severed head. Knocking Hawk unconscious, he fell motionless face first into the rancid glop on the floor. Watching intently the twins in the corner cackled loudly, high fived each other then continued knitting. LJ cautiously kept his eye on the girls as he removed the wings from the back of a dead birdman and tied them to his arms. He knew it was pointless to try and extract any info from the twins, they would never help considering the past.

Johnny needed help if he was going to figure out where he was, why Hawk and his cousins were working together and how this all fit into his mission. As he leapt from the mouth of the cave he flung his arms to his side, caught a warm updraft and disappeared into the most jungle air.

Hawk awakes to the sound of Tina and Jina arguing back and forth with each other about whether or not they were too generous in their scoring of Johnnies dismount. As he scrambles to his feet, and looks around the nest at the carnage that lay before him Hawk yells to them, "Where the hell is he"? The girls simultaneously point to the caves opening and say "you better make the call we didn't dare". "Well make yourself useful and clean up this mess", He says as he makes his way to the payphone on the wall. Hawk picks up the receiver and tells the operator "collect call to the Ganja now"!!!!

Aboard the Ganja, Captain Higgins feeding his pot bellied pig Queen Tasty Cakes, is startled to hear the sound of his newly installed Krusty the Clown Emergency Phone Line, HEY HEY, HEY HEY, HEY HEY. He picks up the receiver, and presses the Easy button to notify Magnum & TC of the incoming call. EP

The Ganja gang

Complete helplessness was something new to LJ, the feeling was too hard to swallow. He just couldn't force it down, not without a 30 year old bottle of scotch anyway. And guess what brother, there isn't a decent liquor store within 3,000 miles.... With hands bound together at the wrists behind his back, LJ steeled himself, then calmly began to twist off his left middle finger. Ignoring all pain, LJ got through 3 complete turns, then heard a faint pop as the skin gave way and his finger came off at the large knuckle. Quickly, Little Johnny peeled off the finger skin as if it were a sausage and discarded it. Using his own finger-bone, LJ began to pick at the knots holding his wrists. After probing around for 30 seconds, LJ finally caught a loop, then another, and another, until he recognized the knot as a Scandinavian Misery Noose and began to attack it expertly. Moments later, Johnny sprang to his feet, atop the beam like Mary Lou Retton. Quickly, LJ jabbed out his own swollen eyelids with the finger bone, draining the bloody fluid blocking his vision, then hucked his finger bone at the oncoming assailant like a throwing knife, burying it to the first knuckle in the bird man's forehead. As he surveyed the situation, LJ realized that he was in a 100 x 100' bird nest and covered in bird shit. LJ puked in his mouth a little bit when he saw his friend Hawk who was busy regurgitating rotten meat into 6 smaller bird mens mouths. LJ's cousins Jina and Tina were each sitting on a cantaloupe sized egg, bare assed, knitting little bird man sweaters as they noticed him. LJ secured his finger bone in the cargo pocket of his Old Navy T's and screamed "Let's get it on!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Atlantic:

The USS Gonja creaked & groaned, betraying her age as she cruised at near hull crushing depth, at a speed of 60 knots. The captain relaxed in his quarters after an 11 hour shift, leaving the con in the capable hands of his first officer. After finishing his tea, he relaxed in his bunk, played with his ballsack, and listened to the drone of nuclear powered turbines working at 62%. Satisfied that all was well, his mind naturally itemized and categorized his mission orders: Patrol the depths of the Larrentian Abyssal and run battle drills, very routine. Such missions were tedious and downright boring for such an accomplished and battle hardened crew, he thought. Captain Higgins drifted off to sleep.

In the con, First Officer Magnum P.I. sat in the commanders chair in a Hawaiian shirt and stared vacantly at the various lights, monitors, dials, and controls of the submarine. As boredom set in he began to reminisce. Christ I miss the cold war, not since Little Johnny's raid on Brown-Eye Island, three years earlier, has the Gonja had any action, he thought to himself, I can only take so much of this crap. "I should retire T.C., maybe start an investigation agency or something" said Magnum to the communications officer as he passed him a big, sticky Thai-stick that smoldered at the end. "Oh right, chuckled T.C. between tokes, maybe you could get a Ferrari too". JC

Helpless

Johnny slowly began to regain conciseness and quickly discovered his eyer were swollen shut. The smell of decaying raw meat and the moans of young women were all around him. Johnny tugged on the hemp ropes that secured him to what felt like a balance beam. The walk with Hawk through the jungle felt like it took place years ago. Johnny felt cold and covered in something sticky, his own blood perhaps. The shrieks of a creature almost not human echoed throughout his holding area and sounded as if they were getting closer. An overwhelming feeling came over LJ. The same feeling he felt when trapped under 3 feet of ice. This was not the feeling of death! Johnny welcomed death, but it had to be on his terms. Tied down in a unknown location was not his way to go! Not a man who had fought in over 800 engagements and had killed thousands with his bear hands. Many things were running through LJ's head now... had he lost his touch? Was it time to retire? What would he do with his life if he didn't have this? Without the chase he felt he would not care to go on. Living a normal life, to Johnny, felt like dying. The smell of rotten flesh became stronger... The screeching louder... now the sound of footprints. "My god this is it" Johnny uttered to himself...DT

Aunty Pearle

Through the trees Johnny heard the second most blood curdling scream he had ever heard.

(Flashing back to his childhood LJ recalled the first time he heard a scream this terrifying)

He seemed to remember it was a big day for Aunty Pearle, she was in charge of the ladies auxiliary bake sale for the city of Sarasota. As She left young Johnny in the care of his twin sixteen year old cousins Tina and Jina, He could still feel her kissing him on the forehead and saying "Now you take your bath like a big boy & put on those new jammies I picked up for you, I'll be home later and we'll watch a little tv before bedtime". He could hear the sound of running water in the bathroom over the chatty, and giggling squeals of the girls preparing his bath. He remembered feeling his eye start to twitch, to this day the sound of females squawking still makes his left eye shutter. "Time for your bath John", yelled Tina or Jina, it didn't matter which one now, LJ hated being called John, his eye now began to twitch uncontrollably. Placing the "sold out" sign on the muffin table Aunty Pearle leaves St. Augustine's church. Do to the 6 o'clock muffin rush Aunty would be able to be home in time for her favorite show, Mama's Family, she was excited to say the least. She quickened her pace a little as she thought about LJ and the girls waiting for her at home. She would still have time to make sure the girls had finished their homework. She was hard on the girls, but ever since their parents OD'd on Smack when they were 10 she had been committed to their well being. This commitment to education was paying off as the girls had just been the youngest twins ever accepted into Harvard law. Not to mention the only twins to share Olympic gold medals in gymnastics from the 84' and 88' summer games.
Aunty got a strange feeling as she rounded the corner and started towards the house. A feeling she couldn't quite put her finger on but one she had felt before. As she walked into the house she heard the pitter patter of Johnnies feet across the hardwood floor upstairs. "Where is everybody", she hollered out. She again heard the shuffling of feet as she made her way up the stair well. As she reached the top stair, she saw Johnny standing at the end of the hall in his new Transformer jammies. Aunty Pearle asked Johnny, "Where are the Girls"? To which he responded. "They made me do it" and he pointed towards the den. Pearle made her way to the den and asked "made you do what Johnny"? "Cousin Huggin" responded Johnny. "Cousin Huggin?...What on earth is Cousin Huggin"? She mumbled as she rounded the corner, she looked into the den and that’s when it happened.
After the scream Johnny didn't remember much, just the sound of sirens and the face of the pastor as he told him "everything will be fine little man". Then the sound of the car door slamming shut.

Side note: To this day it's still illegal to hug your cousin or say cousin huggin in Sarasota Florida.

At that moment LJ snapped out of his trans like state, and just in time. As he looked skyward he focused in on the female on a vine streaking towards him. As he stared in amazement, the naked woman released herself from the vine, flipping and twisting through the air all while screaming obscenities at him. Before he knew it she had wrapped her legs around his throat taking him to the ground and was quickly choking him out. Gasping for air all Johnny could do was say, "For hells sakes Tina, we're only cousins through marriage, how's Jina"?...He then blacked out. EP

The Nest

LJ followed warily as Hawk picked their way toward the nesting area. "Where have you been all this time?, Johnny quarried as he kept a keen eye on his old friend, "I haven't seen you since Burma." "I remember, said Hawk, but I've come a long way since our GI Joe days, I've got my own gig now." -After the elite special forces group 'GI Joe' was disbanded by congress in 2005, dissident aggression mounted among its ranks. With no task at hand, no obstacle to overcome, and ridiculed by special forces around the globe, many Joes found themselves lost in a world that didn't need them anymore. The allure of defecting to Cobra, or other sinister organizations was tantalizing, even to the most dedicated personnel on the squads roster.- "What do you mean?" said Johnny, he noticed they were close to the nesting grounds from all the bird shit. "I'm part of something now, said Hawk, my bird-men and I are connected to something bigger. We've just made a deal which assures our refuge and security on this island for decades to come." "What deal, Johnny asked, and with who?" Johnny could see Hawks giant nest now, tucked into an outcropping in a small cliff-face. "Does the colonel know you're here?" Johnny said. Pissed off now, LJ was on the verge of whipping out a Remington Wing-Master, pump action 12 gage when....... JC

Ivana Sukyoff

LJ rolled a smoke while he watched the bird men pick at the corn. Johnny felt as though this was a trap, but played along for the purposes of gathering information. Hawk put his feathery arm around Johnny and lead him away from the others. "look here Johnny, there is not much I can tell you at this point, but what I can tell you could be hard to believe!" Johnny waited for the BS he was about to receive while Hawk eyed a worm on the ground. Hawk told Johnny about a woman he had tied up in his huge nest. The woman would not tell her name! All the woman would tell them is Ivanna Sukyoff. Hawk had her beaten with a whip, but it only made her aroused. All she would say is Ivanna Sukyoff! Johnny gave Hawk a few handfuls of corn and asked him to lead him to this mysterious woman. DT